Saturday, 11 March 2017

T minus 4 (or A journey to see an unknown person and into veracity space)

HERE is some music to play with this post ;-)

T minus 11
To put it bluntly and briefly:  My mother has lost her phone, her mind (Grandma's theory), or her life. Communication attempts with Germany have been unsuccessful for about a month now.  As seems to be standard in my family, my mother has no friends that are known to her relatives, so there is no-one I could ask.  

A man named High-Tower
T minus 10
So I'm flying to Germany to see what is going on.  The fact that in the absence of a valid PR card (Yes, STILL) I have to fly from Seattle only adds to the joyous anticipation of this trip.  (Yes indeed, THAT was sarcasm ;)
T minus 9 
24 hours after I buy the ticket, the letter I had sent to mother's address containing my phone number bears fruit. At 3:30 am, my phone rings.  It's my mother's phone calling me. But the person I speak to first is my mother's state-appointed legal guardian. Grandma was right.
T minus 7
Grandma, who will be 99 years of age this year, murmured something about visiting 'her child' again.   The two of them haven't even talked by telephone for several YEARS now, but now Grandma is actually considering flying with me to Germany. Go figure.
Given that a trip to the garden centre a couple of weeks ago exhausted her completely, I am not too happy about that idea. On the other hand, at least she'd have me as a guide.

T minus 5
Grandma is not flying with me.  I'm glad, because that would be too much of a strain on an almost 99 year old.  Visiting my mother is already giving me issues, the last thing I need is Grandma collapsing in an airport or on the plane.  Coincidentally (really?) I just watched a good movie on Netflix.  Berlin calling.  Dealing with recreational drug use and mental illness.  Definitely worth watching.  I particularly like the name of the lead character: DJ Ickarus.  Similarities to Icarus are most likely not coincidental, LOL.  
Don't fly too HIGH or you'll fry your brain.

T minus 4.  
A very strange time.  After talking to my mother almost a week ago, I have had no desire to call again.  NO, my mother and I never had a good relationship.  NO, in my mind my mother never made much sense to begin with. But it gets worse.  This occasion forces me to deal with various issues and to face reality as it is.  
Somehow I'm thinking of my mother now as if she was already 'gone'.  This probably has to do with the fact that throughout all my life I could never ever believe a word my mother said to me.  Very sad, if you think about it.  But now some coincidence put an official 'fact' stamp on the matter and all that stuff is coming back and in a very strange way, I see my mother now as a mental patient, as yet one more 'relative problem' to be 'managed'.  

Yes, I fully realize how cold and heart-less that sounds.  

Go ahead, judge me.  

Spare Mom in Bellagio

Because the woman who encouraged me, nurtured me, helped me, the one I could tell ANYTHING to, the one who laughed with me and the one who loved me, she died in November 2014.  

It was my Spare Mom (TM).  

Coincidentally, Spare Mom loved the modified idea of a 'patchwork family'.  She didn't refer to the whole divorced remarriage thing, but she meant looking for your 'real' mother, your 'real' child, and all your 'real' relatives among the general population and not among the relatives.

So what my heart and my gut are telling me is that my mother died over 2 years ago.  

And I consider myself unbelievably lucky to have found her.

So go ahead and judge me.  
But also tell me: Who is that woman in Germany?  The one who lied to me all my life?  The one who always put her interests before those of her child?  

And PLEASE don't tell me that she did the best that she could.  

Because that's just another lie.

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